Thursday, May 18, 2006

 

Celebrity Jihad to Brit: We've been there.

Hey Brit,
I see from your expression you're a little over it all, and believe me I hear that. Having a baby takes a lot out of you. I know I haven't gotten my hair colored in months. And sometimes I too forget to remove the choke chain my man makes me wear around the house, but you know what I always manage to do despite not having a nanny and millions of dollars, I always manage to leave the house in a bra. Now, your nipple pointing straight down leads me to believe this might not be the first time you walked out the door without your boulder-holder, but please girl, hoist those puppies up. Right now their drawing too much attention to the dirty pantcuffs you refuse to have hemmed.

Take good care,
Your Fellow Mommy of an Eight-Month Old

 

Brandon Davis: Great Thinker of the Next Generation

By now many of you have watched the video of Brandon Davis describing Lindsay Lohan as a "fire crotch." We at Celebrity Jihad have watched this video very carefully, and it turns out that there is some hidden footage at the end. We've transcribed the rest of the video below.
"Paris and I were discussing the implications of a war with Iran, and have agreed with Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, that in fact the western world needs Iran more than Iran needs us -- especially with the nearly insatiable oil appetite of India and China. It's a scary world we live in right now and I hope our President understands this situation. We must, I repeat, must get off foriegn oil. I plan to take immediate action, use my billions to create renewable energy and to give portions of my estate to local people who can use it to grow their own organic crops."

 

Gen. Hayden: First Senate Hearings, then US Magazine

General Hayden paused for photographers today as he exited the Coffee Bean and Tea leaf on Mulhullond today. He said to the gathered paparazzi, "Despite the photographic evidence, I've never met Paris Hilton. I have nothing but good things to say about Lindsay Lohan and Fez is a hottie."
He was later seen at Butter nightclub doing lines off the back of the toilet seat and waving his hands in the air like he just didn't care.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

 

Aaaah-roooo-gah!

Today Hamas announced a new PR campain aimed at female faux celebrity bloggers. Ahmed Zalehed of Hamas said in a press release, "What we'd thought we'd do is take pictures of the hottest Palestinians on the West Bank holding the biggest guns. We'll post them on the New York Times and with any luck our Hot Men of Hamas will sway American voters through the magic of blogs. We really need to get those white liberal American women on our side. Next year, I'm thinking calendar and a little video I call, 'The Men of Hamas Go Wild'."

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

 

George Bush to Hugo Chavez : Take That!

Today President Bush put the smack down on arms sales to Venezuela claiming the Latin American country had failed to cooperate in the fight against terrorism.
Bush said today, "What I mean by fight against terrorism is they won't let US companies pump the shit out of their oil. I mean, it's totally lame that they won't let us profit off their resources. What nazi-commie-terrorist fuckers."
Hugo Chavez said in a comment, "I'm shaking in my boots."
The US will continue to import oil from Venezuela's state-owned resources. As will the rest of the world.

 

George Bush *hearts* the MINI page

Facing dismal approval ratings, and outrage over illegal domestic spying, President Bush pulled a skillful bait and switch on the American public today.

When addressing the press about the NSA issue, President Bush said,
"We got accused of not connecting the dots prior to Sept. 11. We're (now) going to connect the dots." Stunned Americans paused, smiled and nodded at many memories of Sunday mornings trying to find MINI written in the drawing and jokes that seemed funny at first, but upon later reflection were veiled references to endtimes and the holy spirit. Bush later had the journalists in stiches when he said "I don't know," then pushed Papa Cheney under the sudden waterfall of green slime.

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