Monday, March 06, 2006

 

Celebrity Jihad Interventions: Jennifer Aniston


Hey Jen,

Wassup girl? It's been so long since we did keg stands and gave bj's to the whole frat house down the street. I just wanna say hon, that I forgive you for that time you borrowed my thong underwear and then hooked up with that guy I had said was hot, then you said, ewww gross, but then I found you dry humping him on that moldy old couch outside the co-op. I'm over it, no worries. But here's the deal, Jen, yes, your Oscar night dress is gorgeous, but the only way that dress saves your non-made-up face is when you pull your skirt up over your head as Vince collapses on top of you after one too many jack and cokes. Honey, let me be clear. Here's how the newer model takes the red carpet. Check out that picture of Ange. Let me say, that between the two, you must have a white stick with a red tip and white hot pokers in your ears to think you are looking hotter than Team Jolie. How about this, Jen, you either put some makeup on, or make the world a better place--see that homeless guy who was passed out where you're walking but had to be moved so you could roll up in your hybrid, well, grab the paper bag off that guy's bottle of OE and put it over your face. Do it for humanity.

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