Tuesday, March 07, 2006

 

Alyssa Milano to Nicole Richie: Back your shit up

Alyssa Milano surprised Oscar party guests by 1) showing up to a celebrity event where there were actual celebrities, and not former Tony Danza sperm containers who like to pretend they are celebrities and 2) telling Nicole Richie, "say my name, bitch." When Nicole refused, Ms. Milano wrestled her to the ground while grunting, "Who's the boss now, bitch, who's the boss now."

 

Wal*Mart Enlists the Help of Bloggers to Get Out Their Message

The New York Times is reporting that Wal*Mart is emailing bloggers pro-Wal*Mart news to include in their blogs. We here at Celebrity Jihad would like to be enlisted too. The Celebrity Jihad team believe minimum wage is a king's ransome, and that your checkers and greeters don't even deserve that. Fuck the liberal government for that shitty policy, it just hurts our favorite big corporate businesses. We'd also like to come out in favor of no health insurance for any employee. We think if someone gets sick, just fire their lazy asses and get some other low-skill worker to take their place. Frankly Wal*Mart are our heros for moving into lower-class communities, running small business out of the area, hiring everyone who used to work at the indie businesses, and never training them in a skill beyond the menial task they've been hired to do. We think it's great when whole communities become so poor they can't even afford the clothes on sale at Wal*Mart's fine establishments. We love cheap shit made in China. We also love bathing in the blood of eight-year old Chinese girls. We share that in common with Wal*Mart too.
Okay Wal*Mart bitches, that post was free, each post from here on out will cost you.

XO,
The Jihad

Monday, March 06, 2006

 

South Dakota Bans Abortion

Today Gov. Mike Rounds of South Dakota banned all abortions. Mr. Rounds said in a press conference, "Hear ye, hear ye. I dost ban abortions. I dost also ban the fairer sex driving horse and carriages. I hereby declare every Monday Lobodomy Day for all fair maidens. Ye olde chastity belts for all!"
Mr. Rounds was seen later in the day masturbating to One Night in Paris nodding as President Bush bombed a few more actual living and breathing Iraqi children. When Mr. Rounds demanded his food and ale from his barwench, he was disappointed to find that every last woman had left the state.

 

Celebrity Jihad Interventions: Jennifer Aniston


Hey Jen,

Wassup girl? It's been so long since we did keg stands and gave bj's to the whole frat house down the street. I just wanna say hon, that I forgive you for that time you borrowed my thong underwear and then hooked up with that guy I had said was hot, then you said, ewww gross, but then I found you dry humping him on that moldy old couch outside the co-op. I'm over it, no worries. But here's the deal, Jen, yes, your Oscar night dress is gorgeous, but the only way that dress saves your non-made-up face is when you pull your skirt up over your head as Vince collapses on top of you after one too many jack and cokes. Honey, let me be clear. Here's how the newer model takes the red carpet. Check out that picture of Ange. Let me say, that between the two, you must have a white stick with a red tip and white hot pokers in your ears to think you are looking hotter than Team Jolie. How about this, Jen, you either put some makeup on, or make the world a better place--see that homeless guy who was passed out where you're walking but had to be moved so you could roll up in your hybrid, well, grab the paper bag off that guy's bottle of OE and put it over your face. Do it for humanity.

Thursday, March 02, 2006

 

Fox News Broadcasts from the Happy Place

Today Fox News broadcasts from the Happy Place. The Happy Place is a very exclusive place where the bible is all true (except the part about helping others) and that Iraq is Arabic for Disneyland. Mr. Cavuto, anchor for Fox News, said today, "Last week, I brought my family to Iraq and we rode on the Materhorn. I was a little scared when that brown guy with the thing on his head roared at us as we sped by in the little car, but then my four-year-old assured me that he was just a fake brown man and no real brown men would actually come that close. Later we roasted hotdogs over the burning corpses outside of the local US-run prison. It was good times."

 

Alito's Letter to Dobson Called 'Just Thanks'

Today Justice Alito's spokesperson described a note from Mr. Alito to James Dobson, founder of Focus on the Family, as 'Just thanks.' Celebrity Jihad has obtained a copy of the letter and in the interest of the War on Terror, domestic syping, and the future elimination of anything gay including Abba, good haircuts, and soft hands on men, we are reprinting the letter.

Dear Dobbikins,

I just wanted to drop you a line letting you know that I really enjoyed our time last night. For once you let me be Heath and for that I will hold in my heart a million little blessings for the Lord. Lighting the bedroom with seven hundred seventy seven candles was such a lovely touch. And though I was a little confused when you poured Astroglide on my forehead, when you declared me a son of God, I really understood. I hope you liked the way I slowly, slowly unbuttoned your special cowpoke jeans. I knew you couldn't believe that I was able to get them off without disturbing your ass-less chaps. It's one of my many hidden talents I have yet to reveal to you, oh Dobbikins. You seemed to enjoy that special little flicker of my tongue that I have perfected over the years with President Bush. Did you like that moment when I went "old skool" and reminded you of the true definition of a hummer? That was a little hymn I remembered from my altar boy days. I just want to say, my love, that I know there is a lot more Christian cock I can suck, and my mouth is wide open. I look forward to a long future with you and the rest of the fine white, old, male specimens of the Religious Right. I just thank the Lord that I'm male and that I can't get knocked up like those whores who consider themselves the other half of the population. Such bitches! We'll get them, though Dobbikins. We will.
I love you fair, Dobby. I love you.
Your master, your servant.
Justypie Alito

 

Bush Lays the Smackdown on Mine Safety

Today the Bush administration offered what some Washington insiders call a 'pimp slap' to mine companies by not collecting and/or reducing the amount of money the companies had been fined in mine violations. Bush said today, "Here's what we did, we decided that instead of charging mine companies for their safety violations, what we'd do is cook them a filet mignon, hire some hookers, and let them sleep on Egyptian cotton sheets in the Lincoln bedroom as a punishment for endangering the lives of Americans. It seems only fair, you know? I mean that's what Papa Cheney forces those dirty Iraqis to do, and since I'm sleeping on silk sheets, I know that I'm still the big kahuna. Woof!"
A mine company spokesman was found crying in a corner after being forced to pick at a hangnail himself instead of having use of the official presidential golden fingernail clippers.

 

GM Releases New Car

Today GM released a new car. It was metal. It had some doors and four tires. There were windows involved. GM said in a press release, "Our new car is new and a car. And I believe if you look closely Lindsay Lohan is growing that downy fur so many anorexics have to battle. And those pesky scars that show up when you weigh ten pounds and five of those pounds come from your breasts. And then we released a new car."

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