Friday, February 03, 2006
Celebrity Jihad Interventions: Katie Holmes
Katie... Katie...Come a little closer, Katie...Just close enough so I can smack that cankersore right off your face. I hope that by smacking you real hard you'll wake up out of this kool-aid, brown acid, nike swish wearing nightmare you're in. Let me say, that I had a clue that you might have had a problem when you agreed to link yourself to that self-aggrandizing douchebag Tom Cruise. Maybe I thought, huh, Katie might need some help when you stepped out in that orange coat a few weeks ago. But today you've offered your biggest cry for help yet. Was it the aviator sunglasses? A little. Was it a 'pregnant' woman wearing non-maternity jeans (FYI:they make maternity clothes because they are more comfortable--some are cute, look into them.)? No, I think it was the leotard that really set of Celebrity Jihad's intervention warning bells. Here's the deal with leotards--they give even a woman with the flatest of bellies camel toe. Severe camel toe. Now I know you're all 'knocked up' and you can't see much of what's going on below the waist so let me tell you. That burning and pulling you feel in your nether regions is not the aliens speaking to you like L. Ron tells his cruise ships full of disciples (hint to disciples--your burning is something that can be cured with an antibiotic) it's your leotard cutting very tightly between your labia. This is not preparing you for your silent childbirth, or for your pod launch. It is doing nothing but making you very uncomfortable. Here's my advice Kaite--burn the leotard, dump the homo, condition your hair and call Angelina Jolie for some tips on hooking up with hot Hollywood men and make pregnancy look motherfucking sexy. Dig?