Tuesday, February 28, 2006


Janice Dickinson: What's Wrong With America

Today intellectuals, up-tight former hippies, the religious right and that guy in the cubicle next to yours who rolls his eyes everytime you squeal when the new US weekly passes over your desk voted Janice Dickinson Queen of What's Wrong with America. Charles Peckton, Professor of Greek Thought and Captain of the What's Wrong With America Foundation said today, "Ms. Dickinson embodies everything that is wrong with this country--fake n' bake, chicken bone legs, a trust in the liberal media, and a big ass mouth. Not to mention the phrase we all use when a new picture of Ms. Dickinson is released--why in the hell is she famous?"
Other nominees included Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie, Condi Rice and Chad Paul Murray, or Paul Chad Murphy or Murray Chad Paulinsky or whatever the hell that guy's name is.


Britney Spears Injured in Freak Feather Boa Attack

In New Orleans Britney Spears was rushed to the hospital after her feather boa tried to strangle her. The singer said after the incident: "I'm so glad ya'll that I'm okay. Boy howdie those boas are dangerous! I tried to bite it back, but that sucker was fast-- all I got a mouth full of feathers! I'm just grateful to God, the Buddha and captain Kabbalah that I'm all right, y'all."
Her husband Kevin Ferderline was seen at the scene of the crime earlier with a remote control, a bear trap, superglue and red feathers. He declined to comment.


NIcole Richie: I have better shoes than Paris

As filming began on Simple Life season 1009, Nicole Richie and Paris Hilton began their own sort of socialite olympics. The girls engaged in a Blow-A-Thon where Ms. Richie snorted 80 grams of coke in one sitting, Ms. Hilton misunderstood the parameters of the competition and found herself on all fours in front of a line of American Idol wanna-bes. Later the two sat for three full days in front of a bowl of chocolate mousse, arms crossed, waiting for the other to take a bite. Ms. Richie won the competition in the final round, by opening a shoe box and revealing perhaps the cutest shoes to grace an anorexic's feet. She then ran across the street shouting, "I won! I won!" before passing out in a hyplogycemic coma.

Monday, February 27, 2006


India *hearts* Bush

The New York Times and the Republican Media machine want to assure Americans that India is ready to welcome President Bush to their country. Bill Clinton was the last American President to visit the country and he too was burned in effigy upon arrival and what I mean by burned in effigy is addressed Parliment with lawmakers climbing over benches to shake his hand. President Bush will not be addressing their parliment. Bush said, "I ain't addressing no one's parliment. I don't want those dirty punjabs touching my hands. In fact, I'm only going over there because the Indian people begged me to show up. They even promised to give me one of those red dots on my forehead and $200 in free chips so I can spend the evening at one of their fine casinos. I'm a P-I-M-P at the craps table. Word."


George Michael: Arrest My Own Stupid Fault

George Michael addressed the public after his arrest for possession of Class C drugs. The singer said: "I'm such a dumbass. I always get it confused--sucking the glass dick equals using crack. Sucking the flesh pipe equals the happy place. I guess I told that tranny I met at the Hyde the Sausage Hyde Park Bar and Grill the wrong thing. Duh!"


Rove Obsessed with Hillary Clinton

Today Karl Rove denied Hillary Clinton's earlier accusation that Mr. Rove is obsessed with the former first lady. Rove said, "I am so not obsessed with that woman. I mean I totally miss the headband Hilary of the early years, but I'm not obsessed. If you want to talk about obsessed, you should see my collage timeline of Katie Holmes's growing bumb--it's so fake! And I'm so sick of Bradley Pitt wearing the same damn clothes so it never seems that I get a new picture of him when I'm waiting with my paparazi friends outside his home. And my other obsession is my orange hat. No one fucking touches my orange hat, bitches!"

Sunday, February 26, 2006


Celebrity Jihad Interventions: Britney Spears Part 3

Dear Brit,

There are a few things we at Celebrity Jihad are experts on--President Bush's global politics, Tara Reid's hidden intellect, Paris Hilton's cervix (but who really isn't) and what it's like to have a five month old and lose weight the laziest possible way--breastfeeding. Brit, how many men on this planet would have killed a few years back to have your boob in their mouth? A lot. Maybe not so much anymore, but there was a time when I think you could have auctioned that shit on Ebay and never have had to leave your KFC trough to record another album. Why deprive your boy of that honor? Now, there's all these experts who say that breastfeeding is the best thing for your baby. Ignore them. Here's what breastfeeding is good for--burning 500 calories a day. And giving you the excuse of exiting whatever situation you are in because you have to feed the baby. Now, I applaud you for training your personal Maria to walk ten paces behind you and bottlefeed SPF at the same time, but this is not helping you when you down that 64 oz. Frappucino and biggie fries. I can see that you're all knocked up again, and let me just advise you for next time--put the baby on the boob and love that New York Superfudge Chunk without the guilt.


Bush Declares War on Avian Flu

After reports today confirming a case of Avian Flu in France, President Bush declared a "War on Avian Flu." The president said, "I've declared a lot of wars during my presidency, but this war on Avian Flu is my finest war yet. Here's what were gonna do: first, we're gonna bomb the shit out of anyone harboring Avians--or birds as I hear they're called. Then, we're gonna wiretap anyone's phones who have mentioned the words Avian or Flu or birds or feathers or beaks. Next, Clear Channel is going to ban the following songs: Free Bird, Wind Beneath My Wings, Three Little Birds, and Egg Man by the Beastie Boys. Papa Cheney is then going to hunt down all the remaining quail and white republicans in the country (excluding yours truly and anyone considered a 'Bush Pioneer'). And finally, in an ironic twist, we're going to tar and feather all of the birds we've killed. It should be good times, y'all."

Saturday, February 25, 2006


Bush: Mission Accomplished--I said it, I meant it.

President Bush released a press statement today in response to the escalating violence in Iraq.
Bush wrote: You know a few years ago I said the war with Iraq was over. And you know what? I was so right. Because by 'the war in Iraq is over' what I meant was, 'civil war for everyone!' I just hope this means what Papa Cheney told me it would mean--more builidings for Haliburton to rebuild and more thirteen year old Iraqi boys to give me pedicures and facials. As for the Americans who have died. Well...I just think hooray democracy! I mean heaven's a democracy, right? And those guys are totally there. Oh, and I think South Dakota kicks major ass for banning all abortions. Go democracy! Woot!
XO, Georgie Porgie Walker Bushie Boy, SWAK, XXXXOOOOO!!!!!


Angelina Jolie Lives Your Dream Because You Can't

In her latest philanthropic adventure, Angelina Jolie is living the dream of millions of American women because they cannot. Jolie said today, "I know millions of good people in this world say, 'I wish I could spend at least part of my time helping others.' But these good people have enough on their hands with family and jobs so I decided I would do that. Then I saw Brad Pitt, and I knew millions of American women say, 'I'd love to tap Brad Pitt's ass' so I thought, there's only one Brad, and he's with that douchebag so I thought why not steal him away and tap his ass for millions of men and women? I know most everyone dreams about living in Paris, so I thought, why not? Oh and I rub myself in dark chocolate every night and pay full price for Kleenex cottonelle. You know why? Because I can. Because someone might as well. It's great! Just know people, your dream is as great in reality as you think it would be."
In other news, Jennifer Ansiton is up to a pack a day and has cut out carbs, red meat, beer, chocolate, oxygen and quiet walks on the beach because she wants to get back into her Rachel jeans.

Thursday, February 23, 2006


Paris Hilton: Medusa '06

Paris Hilton continues to stun academia with her liguistic and now mythological observations. Miss Hilton said, "Staring into my vagina will turn men to stone. A lot like Medusa. And the guy with the mirror."
The gentlemen in front of Miss Hilton in the picture were overheard saying, "I feel the Campbell's evaluation of the hero's journey, combined with Jung's character achetype and study of the collective unconscious results in the mythology of today's energy and matter leading to reality thinly veiled in a concrete dreamworld."
"Word, dawg."


Bush Administration Calms Uproar After Announcing United Arab Emirates Company to Guard US Ports

Today President Bush reassured the American public that there was no need to worry about safety when a United Arab Emirates company gains control over a half-dozen US seaports. Despite the United Arab Emirates's financial support of Al-Qaida and the Taliban, Bush said, "people don't need to worry about security." Bush went on, "We have also enlisted the services of several Catholic preists to keep their eyes on boy's locker rooms at schools across the country, and Paris Hilton will be the new head librarian at the Library of Congress. And just so no one feels left out, Saddam will be back in charge at Abu Ghraib."

Tuesday, February 21, 2006


Supreme Court Opens With Abortion Case

The Supreme Court began hearing its first case of the season--shockingly it has to do with abortion. The high court is once again trying to ban late-term abortions. The ban was voted down before because it lacked a provision for the health of the mother. In today's case, there is no exemption from the ban for the health of the mother. Alito began the hearings holding up a rusty hanger and saying, "This is good enough for those bitches. And nowadays the young girls are back to knitting. Women have plenty of choice. Gawd!" He then slapped his forehead and rolled his eyes. Later the session was called into recess when a huge cake was rolled into chambers and a busty blonde jumped out. The cake read, "Welcome, Sammy-boy! Down with women! And Blacks! And the Poor! And Liberals! And Homos!" There was more, but the caterer had run out of room.


Science Fiction Writer Advising President Bush on Global Warming

Fox News reporter Fred Barnes has recalled that President Bush met with Michael Crichton who advised the President on global warming. Barnes also reports that President Bush has met with Sam Walton, President of Walmart to advise on the state of poor black women, Ann Coulter advised Bush on 'The Noam Chomsky effect' and in an ultra-secret meeting, Baby Jesus descended from heaven with some words on evolution and abortion.


US Ice Dancers Win Olympic Medal

Ice Dancing couple Tanith Belbin and Ben Agosto won the silver medal in ice dancing for the United States ending a 30 year losing streak for the US team. John Pattens, head of the United States Olympic committee said today, "We're so proud of our Ice Dancers. We're hoping next Olympics that the US will finally take home medals in masturbation, air guitar solos and celebrity blogging."
After the announcement, President Bush was overheard asking Karl Rove if he could participate in the air guitar solo meet. Bush said, "I don't mean to sound like a fag, but my air guitar solo kicks ass!"

Monday, February 20, 2006


RadioShack CEO Shit-Canned

Today in a shocking move, RadioShack canned its longtime CEO, David Edmonson. RadioShack released a statement today: "We at RadioShack are totally bummed to have given Edmonson the boot, but someone just told us yesterday that it was actually 2006, not 1986. Apparently Edmonson kept changing our calendar. He kept telling us that gray carpets, casio keyboards and Speak and Spells were still the hottest gagets around. And he said the robot maid is all the rage with the young folk. Turns out after a bit of research, our stores are all in half-rate falling down strip-malls, and guys with zits, pocket protectors and B.O. are no longer the bleeding edge, sales closers we once thought. And there are these new-fangled gagets called I-Pods, and cellular telephones that beat the pants off cassette walkmans and cans with string tied to the bottoms. We had no choice but to fire him. And to open some more Hot Dogs On A Stick."


Paris Denies New Sex Tape and Gives Surprising Grammar Lesson

Today Paris Hilton denied reports that a brand new sex tape featuring her and Playboy Playmate Nicole Lenz exists. Lenz has said, "The moment we were in the room Paris had only one thing on her mind - sex. We lied down on a king size bed and took it in turns to play with each other."
Hilton responded: "Um, no, there's no sex tape. No. Never happened. No. Not so much. And plus I'd never hit it with someone who used lied as the past tense of to recline. Everyone knows that to lie has no past tense that ends in D. Duh." Hilton then flipped her hair, squeezed her left breast and belched. Reporters applauded.

Monday, February 13, 2006


Britney Spears: Gangs are cool

Britney Spears showed her true colors at the Grammy's by throwing up some gang signs to the photographers. Spears said, "'Sup bloods. I'm in the BH crew, dogs. Das right, ya'll I'm rollin' with the toughest bitches on the west coast. We roll it right through the BH, the Bev Hil for shizznay. I got some bling, some dope ass extensions. I'm everybody's around the way girl. Peace, homies."
She then climbed in her Escalade and drove through Compton, quickly. Very quickly.


Vice President Cheney Beta Tests New Rifle--Results Unsuccessful

Yesterday Vice President Cheney tested the new Smith and Wesson hunting rifle with mixed results. Cheney said, "The gun was pretty good, but it seems that the barrel must be angled ninety degrees. It's so weird, because I was aiming at the little Iraqi boy in front of me, but the white guy who's given tons of money to me and my party wound up with a face full of pellets. It's a lot like that time I was serving in 'Nam and I was getting a blow job from a hooker, and I was aimed at her face, but it got all over her tits instead. Just like that, except I wasn't in 'Nam. And it wasn't a woman. Anyway, I'm sorry that that the white guy got shot. And I'm sorry that little Iraqi fucker got away. He'll probably go and build some weapons of mass destruction now or something. Frankly, I blame Smith and Wesson."

Wednesday, February 08, 2006


Bush to Muslims: Touchy Touchy Touchy

Today President Bush spoke against the violent reactions to Danish cartoons portraying the Prophet Muhammed. Mr. Bush said, "It's like I tell Laura after she catches me pinching the twins' asses after I slip them a twenty-- stop being so goddamn sensitive. Those Muslims and Laura need to suck it up and take it like men. Inappropriate is a word for the liberal media and not big cowboys like me. Don't have a jihad, man!"


Nicky Hilton Starving to Death

Today Nicky Hilton nearly starved to death at an opening party for Cartier. Miss Hilton said after being rushed to the nearest graveyard, "Those girls. Had no brains." She then moaned and walked rather stiltedly to the nearest retirement community where she found freshly dead old people whose brains she feasted on.

Tuesday, February 07, 2006


Alberto Gonzalez Uses President Washington as a Justification for Spying on American Citizens

Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez appeared yesterday in front of a special Senate judiciary committee to justify the use of wiretapping of American citizens. He sited the precedent of former President Washington as an example of Presidential power and domestic spying. Mr. Gonzalez said, "It's totally like when George Washington held a glass up against the wall of the Oval Office when those damn Brits had agreed to a potential road map to peace to end the Civil War. Althought Mr. Washington couldn't understand their funny accents, he knew they were going to invade Grenada. And that they were terrorists. So he shot an apple off his son's head, thus ending the Revolutionary War." Mr. Gonalez then pressed a finger into one ear and spoke into the gigantic ring on his right hand. He was seen later listening and nodding to the ring.


Jennifer Aniston Saves the World

Jennifer Aniston has begun serious efforts to save the world. She was seen this weekend in Las Vegas gambling, boozing and smoking as the first step toward global change. Ms. Aniston said, "I just feel with the level of poverty in this world, I'd show my support by burning through money at a poker table. I was sitting next to a dark colored man and I let him have a cigarette. That was my first step in my new campaign of philanthropy. The dealer appeared to be Cambodian. Or maybe Mexican. In any case, I tipped him really big. Then Vince and I went back to our suite (which was totally cleaned by a nice Puerto Rican woman who I also tipped) and we played a naughty little game we made up called 'Mr & Mrs. Jones.' I just hope people will continue to see my mediocre movies and pay $9 a pop for the privilege so I can continue to pamper myself and think nice thoughts about the Thai girl I have to scrub my toilets. She totally survived Tsunami Katrina!"

Monday, February 06, 2006


Kirsten Dunst Wins Most Unattractive Celebrity

The votes are in, Kirsten Dunst is the most unattractive celebrity. She was nominated by a jury of her peers which included: Paris Hilton, Gweneth Paltrow, and Helen Hunt. Ms. Paltrow said, "She really has the pale advantage." Miss Hilton said, "Uggie Buggie, Stringy Shiny." And Helen Hunt said, "it's so unfair, ever since I stopped making the world's most annoying sitcom, I never get voted most unattractive celebrity."
These pictures were taken today on the Spiderman set after Miss Dunst heard the news.

Sunday, February 05, 2006


Kirsten Dunst to last person in America who finds her attractive: How ya' like me now?

Kirsten Dunst announced today that her goal for 2006 was to be the most unattractive celebrity to still be making movies. She said, "I started planning the move to complete barfugly way back when I was in that vampire movie with Brad Pitt. I looked at myself in the mirror and realized that half closed eyes and snaggleteeth were my thing. That was my hook. I'd be the 'Ugly It Girl.' Well that was long ago and I just felt like this year was my year. So I started parking in handicapped spots. And itching my ass in public, in a bikini no less! And then I thought, well, I might as well go whole hog and buy me a pair of Ugg boots. I love to wear them without socks. I find that the fake sheepskin really traps my sweat nicely and when I take them off, they have no way to breathe so the sweat just turns into bacteria, which smells pretty wrong. Then I put them back on without socks and tah-dah I have feet so stinky that if I were a cartoon, green fumes would be coming off them. I'm so ugly!" She ended the interview by bending over in her low rise jeans so her dingy white thong was visible and then she slapped her own ass twice before farting and skipping out of the studio.

Saturday, February 04, 2006


Bush: You Blinded Me With Science

Today President Bush visited a Dallas school as part of his "Science is For Smart Kids and Minorities" campaign. He was instructed on looking through a microscope by a well vetted high school senior. Bush said, "I can totally see where God put his little God signature on this piece of chimpanze DNA. It looks a little like the windows of all Mercedes--how they have that German guys signature. It's so cool to watch creationism in action." He then turned to the press and said, "See? Using the bible as a textbook for science class is totally pushing our kids ahead of those damn Chinese, Indians and Canadians."


Boehner Trumps Blunt As Majority Leader

Today for the first time Representative Roy Blunt, who lost to Representative John Boehner, spoke after his surprise upset in the race to be the next House Majority Leader. Mr. Blunt said, "I just think it's so lame that Boehner got my seat. His name's Boehner. Bo-Ner. And you know what? He's a total dick. No hard feelings though, 'kay?"
Representative Boehner released a statement shortly after Mr. Blunt's speech. He wrote: Blunt rhymes with cunt.

Friday, February 03, 2006


Donald Rumsfeld: American Not Safer

Today Rummy 'Let's Rumble' Rumsfeld held a press conference to announce to the world that America is not safer. He said, "Y'know it's so weird. I really thought that by killings thousands of innocent people, destroying whole civic infastructures, alienating a whole religion and giving my oil buddies blow jobs in the executive bathroom, America would be safer. Turns out--not so much." He then outlined a plan to 'safen up America.' Rumsfeld said it involved, "parakeets, bottle caps and walking like an Egyptian."


Celebrity Jihad Interventions: Katie Holmes

Katie... Katie...Come a little closer, Katie...Just close enough so I can smack that cankersore right off your face. I hope that by smacking you real hard you'll wake up out of this kool-aid, brown acid, nike swish wearing nightmare you're in. Let me say, that I had a clue that you might have had a problem when you agreed to link yourself to that self-aggrandizing douchebag Tom Cruise. Maybe I thought, huh, Katie might need some help when you stepped out in that orange coat a few weeks ago. But today you've offered your biggest cry for help yet. Was it the aviator sunglasses? A little. Was it a 'pregnant' woman wearing non-maternity jeans (FYI:they make maternity clothes because they are more comfortable--some are cute, look into them.)? No, I think it was the leotard that really set of Celebrity Jihad's intervention warning bells. Here's the deal with leotards--they give even a woman with the flatest of bellies camel toe. Severe camel toe. Now I know you're all 'knocked up' and you can't see much of what's going on below the waist so let me tell you. That burning and pulling you feel in your nether regions is not the aliens speaking to you like L. Ron tells his cruise ships full of disciples (hint to disciples--your burning is something that can be cured with an antibiotic) it's your leotard cutting very tightly between your labia. This is not preparing you for your silent childbirth, or for your pod launch. It is doing nothing but making you very uncomfortable. Here's my advice Kaite--burn the leotard, dump the homo, condition your hair and call Angelina Jolie for some tips on hooking up with hot Hollywood men and make pregnancy look motherfucking sexy. Dig?

Wednesday, February 01, 2006


Bush Lays Out Plans to Wean America From Middle East Oil

Today President Bush laid out the specifics about the plan he'd mentioned in his State of the Union Address to end "America's addiction to Middle East oil." He said to CNN today, "Here's my plan y'all. I'm gonna get out a map and a magic marker. I'm gonna draw a big circle around all the countries that I call the middle east. It'll be a real big circle 'cause I need get France and San Francisco in there. Then I'm going to use poor 18 year olds to invade those countries. We're gonna kill as many terrorists we can find. What I mean by terrorist is brown people and liberals. And homos. And liberals. Then we're gonna rename the whole damn region Americastan. And then we'll pump all the damn oil out of the ground because it's not Middle Eastern oil, it Americastan's oil. Yeehaw motherfuckers!"


Nicky Hilton Breaks Out The Big Guns

Page Six is reporting Nicky Hiton called Mischa Barton a "fat pig." Miss Hilton went on, "Lindsay Lohan is a doodie face, Nicole Richie is a poopie butt, and Kimberly Stewart is a total wanna be." She then said to her companion, "if you're going to be friends with MaryKate, then I can't be friends with you." Hilton was seen later at the drinking fountain whispering and pointing at a girl with down syndrome sitting alone on the playground.


Linday Lohan's Missing Diary Pages Turn Up on Celebrity Jihad

Despite Lindsay Lohan's publicist's letter saying any website publishing Miss Lohan's missing diary pages will be sued, Celebrity Jihad has decided to publish them. An exerpt follows.

Dear Diary,
I was reading Walter Benjamin last night and I couldn't sleep. I was tossing and turning, wrestling with the idea that there is nothing after post-modernism. There's modernism, then post-modernism, and what can possible come next? Is there truth in this? Benjamin says, no. That by its very definition, post-modern means there is no truth. So if there is no truth, then can it be false that there is nothing left after post-modernism? Can post-modernism be nothing more than a social construct? But that can't be true, if there is no truth. Well, diary, I am tired of the sleepless nights. Tonight I will lay my head down with a classic--The Poetics of Space by my friend, my companion, the man who puts me at ease every night, Gaston Bachelard. Good night, fair diary. Good night.


Britney Spears Still Hiring

Earlier in the week Celebrity Jihad reported that Brit was seeking the help of a stylist. The SAG awards were Brit's cry for help. As she walked down the red carpet she pleaded to reporters and photographers, "please...help me. Help me. Won't any of you listen to me. I need help." She then clutched at her black choker with rhinestone butterflies and collapsed in a spasm. Unfortuately Nicole Richie had taken a bite of hamburger at the nearby Ivy restaurant, and all of the paparizzi had their cameras turned.
Madonna was seen later curled into ball on a couch mumbling something about groddy feeling, and "I can't believe I kissed that."


Candies Shoes Releases Ad Aimed At "Real Women"

Today Candies launced their new ad campaign featuriung Hilary Duff and some other random starlets. The ads are aimed at, what John Rosewell, President of Candies, says are "real women."
He said today, "We at Candies know that when women are alone together, they strip down to their undergarments and jump on the bed. We have done a lot of research into this phenomenon including watching hours of tampax, asthma medicine and Hanes her way commercials. Our next ad campaign will focus on young women and their moms walking on the beach discussing their most initmate bodily odors. Though on the surface, this has nothing to do with our shoes, what broads can resist talking about their vaginas with their moms? Or jumping on the bed in their underwear with their three closest friends?"

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