Wednesday, January 25, 2006

 

Rummy 'Let's Rumble' Rumsfeld Says Troop Levels 'Rock' and that Troops Themselves Are 'Totally Stoked'

Today Donald Rumsfeld disputed two reports that claim US forces are thinning and strained to the breaking point. The reports cite many indications of emotional strain for troops including a spike in military divorces. They also point out the recruiting deficit. This year the Army fell 6,667 troops short and the Army Reserve missed its goal by 4,626 soldiers.
Despite never reading the reports, Rumsfeld said the reports were wrong the Army had in fact met its goals. He continued, "In Iraq the troops have new mink-lined marching boots. They get massages from 14 year-old Iraqi girls each morning and eat filet mignon for dinner each night. The Iraqis themselves bring pure gold nuggets to our soldiers and often I see Iraqis and US troops dancing around a Maypole just because. We're turning 18 year old boys away because they've heard that we offer free surf lessons and all the XBOX they can play upon deployment. It's really swell!"
After the press conference, Rumsfeld skipped out of the room wearing a pink tu-tu while trilling, "Lah-dee-dah-dee-dah!"

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