Monday, January 23, 2006

 

Lawmakers Begin Setting New Mine Safety Guidelines


Today lawmakers began to set new safety standards for US mines. Dick Cheney addressed the opposition by repeating very slowly, "You may think this is too little too late, but it is not." He repeated the sentence over and over for well over an hour, while strobe lights flashed and 'Flight of the Bumble Bee' played. FoxNews channel ran the audio with a black and white spiral spinning endlessly.
Meanwhile President Bush went over to Google President Sergey Brin's house with a chef's knife. He pointed it at Mr. Brin's private area and grunted, "Gimme all the IP addresses for anyone searching for dirt, ground, mines, gold, boogers, neighbors having sex, recipes for chicken Kiev, knit socks, REALdoll, Metallica downloads, and Dick Cheney. National Security and all that bullshit. Do it for the miners, motherfucker." When Mr. Brin refused this information, Bush announced from Airforce 1, "Anyone using google, thinking of google or using any words with the oo sound will be considered a terrorist. And a miner blower-upper. You're either with us or against us. Now kill the fucking A-rabs, homos and liberals." He then played air guitar while James Hetfield played "Master of Puppets."

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