Friday, January 27, 2006

 

Jennifer Aniston Will Write Book About Her Marriage's Downfall

Jennifer Aniston has kept a diary throughout her marriage and later outright dumping by husband Brad Pitt. She plans to publish the diary later in the year. An advanced copy has been leaked to Celebrity Jihad. Though we had trouble cracking the little heart lock that held the book together, we've reprinted the first few pages below.
Dear Diary,
Bradley has just signed on to star in an action adventure movie with Angelina Jolie. I'm so happy that we'll be even richer, but it's a little odd because he said that after Ocean's 11 he was going the serious actor route. No more action or adventure. Pure Shakesbeer, he said. Then he said he hopes to have a baby when the movie's finished! I'm so going off the pill!

Dear Diary,
After I told Courtney about Brad's new movie, she slapped me really hard! On my face! And was like, 'what the fuck's wrong with you?' I was like, 'what the fuck's wrong with you?' I wanted to tell her that she's just bitter because after she had that little brat, she'll never be the skinniest girl on Friends again. But she's my BFF and I can only think that. Anyways, I never found out what her fucking problem was because Lisa came by and we had to pretend we weren't really all that close because Lisa always feels left out because she's fat. And not pretty.

Dear Diary,
Bradley came home today after his first day of filming with Angelina. He was all going off about Iraq and Haiti and some other places I'd never heard of. I was like, "hey honey, I went off the pill. And I just spent like 10,000 dollars on clothes at Kitson. I think some of it was sewn by little kids in the coutries you were talking about." He totally stared at me like he was about to rip my clothes off and start making babies right there. But then he said he was a little tired and he went to bed. I heard him later sobbing. It's totally because he loves me because I support little kids in poor nations.

Dear Diary,
Today I lost another ounce! I'm so awesome!

Dear Diary,
OMG! I just got my hair highlighted. It's totally perfect. Like me!

Dear Diary,
Bradley told me today he wanted to talk to me about something, and so I was all, okay honey. And then he said something, but I wasn't paying attention because I was so watching the season finale of Newlyweds. That Nick is so hot. He totally takes out the trash. When Bradley was done talking, I was all, "Bradley, can you like take out the trash? I mean you're such a girl!" I totally wear the pants around here!

Dear Diary,
Bradley wants to take me on vacation. To Antiguilla. We're going to bring Court and that douchebag David. It's baby-making time! I'm feeling so fertile. Like a big old baby making machine. We are going to have the prettiest Aryan baby! Because we're the prettiest Aryans!

Comments:
Well, I'm sure your editor wants a book, but all I want is More of this.

SO FUNNY.
 
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