Tuesday, January 31, 2006

 

Obesity is Contagious

A scientist today is offering proof that obesity is caused by a virus. The scientist said today, "it appears to be passed orally from the McNugget of a chicken or the can of cola." The diet industry has responded to this new research. So far, The Zone has release capsules called, "FatBourne." Arthur Agatston has released a travel guide book to South Beach Florida titled, "South Beach: Too Warm for Viruses" and a reincarnated Dr. Atkins was seen with his face in a mountain of pasta.

Monday, January 30, 2006

 

Title of State of the Union Address Leaked to Public

Today in a well-calculated PR move, Karl Rove leaked the title of the State of the Union address. The President's right hand man said, "The title reflective in nature. It's simple so Americans can understand it. We'll call it: What About North Korea. And what about North Korea. Well, President Bush will outline his new law, which will immediately draft all men, women and children with any sort of defect that prevents them from otherwise being useful members of society. We will then declare war and send them to North Korea with some guns. After that, we'll declare war on and send more people to our new and improved Axis of Evil outposts--brown-eyed people will take some slingshots and stones to Venezuela, anyone with an actual subscription to People Magazine will grab some hand grenades we found in the War Room and row over to the Bahamas, I have some paper airplanes with lasers attached to the wings that I'd like seven year old boys to try out on the terrorists in Belguim. Basically we're going to restore democracy all over the world and kill as many people as we can to do it. And when I say we, what I mean is everyone who is not white, male, over 45, and rich."

 

Al-Qaeda Chief to Bush: Check Yourself Before You Wreck Yourself

Today Al-Jazeera aired a tape of Al-Qaeda Chief Aymen Zawahiri taunting President Bush about the missed attempts the US has taken on Mr. Zawahiri's life. Mr. Zawahiri says on the tape, "Look Bush, you little chimp--'what's my name bitches' is my line. That fat fuck Cheney has no right to it. Secondly not only is the bruise on my forehead bigger and badder than yours but my cock is 91/2 inches of pure uncut steel. Top that motherfucker." The camera panned back to reveal Mr. Zawahiri with his zipper down urinating out to, what looks like based on the yardstick on the floor, three feet.
President Bush was seen later in the day on the White House front lawn with a tallboy and a measuring tape.

 

First Case of Avian Flu Found in Iraq

Today the first case of Avian Flu was discovered in Iraq. President Bush commented on the finding in a press conference. Bush: "You know the other day, Rummy and I were sitting around watching old episodes of the X-Files, and remember that great thing with the bees? Well, it's a lot like that..."
His broadcast was disrupted and all televisions in the world were shut down. Soon, however transmissions resumed and the star-spangled banner played over a repeated image of a woman removing an apple pie from the oven. President Bush came back on air later and said, "I would like everyone to know I was referring to crack in the inner cities, and HIV being sent from the Lord to punish homosexuals." The rest of the world was a bit confused by the comments, but had a vague recollection of seeing the strange man on the television screen at some point in the past.

Sunday, January 29, 2006

 

Anchorman Bob Woodruff Injured in Attack in Iraq

Today ABC News Anchorman Bob Woodruff was injured when the convoy he was imbedded with was hit in a roadside bomb attack. President Bush said of the attack, "It is my understanding that 'roadside bomb' is just the liberal media's way of spinning what the Iraqis call tickle bunnies. It happens to all Americans in Iraq--the Iraqis come out of their mansions and rub noses with the Americans. They then invite all of our men and women in for some fresh lamb kabobs and in true Iraqi custom, they use the whiskers from llamas and write notes on each other's barefeet like 'you're so cool' and 'let's go steady.' And that my friends is a tickle bunny."
Bill O'Reilly was seen later in the day giving Sean Hannity a noogie and calling it a suicide bombing.

 

Former Enron Chief, Kenneth Lay, Attended Church Today

According to the Houston Chronicle, Kenneth Lay attended church today. His trial for ripping off millions of Americans will begin on Monday. Lay carried his own bible to church and was later seen huddled in conference with the pastor. The conversation between the two men is as follows:

Lay: Just wanted to check with you father, that it's okay that I tore out these pages here.
Pastor: That seems like a lot of pages.
Lay: I just took out the ones that said the Lord didn't approve of stealing or reaming poor people, or being a greedy white fuck.
Pastor: I'm surprised there were so many that had that content.
Lay: Well, I left the pages in with proverbs about selling one's daughter into slavery, and I highlighted the passages about the homosexuals going straight to hell.
Pastor: Very good, my son. God bless, and good luck tomorrow.
Lay: I don't need luck, bitch. I gave that good for nothing spoiled Yale boy more money than any other campaign contributer. I'm not just a Bush Pioneer, I own the fucking club. Now sprinkle some of that holy water on my head, and get me my own damn alter boy.

 

Bush's State of the Union Speech Set to Stun Americans

President Bush's upcoming State of the Union address will address many of the issues concerning Americans today. A Washington insider who has seen the speech leaked parts to Celebrity Jihad. Among promises President Bush plans to make: a free ice cream cone on every American's birthday, abortions for anyone who hasn't gotten theirs before Alito gets nominated, and extra five million dollars to anyone earning more than five million dollars a year. The staffer described the speech to Rueters today as "thematic in nature." He continued, "It will be 500 pages long. It will be about a cat. A man searching for a cat. A man searching for his lost wife and a cat. It will be set in Japan, and at the end the president will broadcast from a hole." Oprah has voiced interest in filming the speech as a movie, but the more heavily thematic elements might become problematic for Oxygen's limited budget.

Saturday, January 28, 2006

 

Britney Has an Interior Designer

In a ground breaking story just released, Britney Spears employs an interior designer! This picture was taken yesterday as Britney and mother Lynn strolled through the mall with the aforementioned interior designer, and a random black man. Now that Brit has someone to tell her that engine blocks on the carpet is a big interior design no-no, she is seeking to hire someone to tell her jean cuffs dragging on the floor are both unfashionable and unsanitary. Sadly all applicants have thus far been scared off by the random black man who keeps growling when the potential fashion mavens hold up a bottle of shampoo and begin instructing Brit on lathering and rinsing.

Friday, January 27, 2006

 

Jennifer Aniston Will Write Book About Her Marriage's Downfall

Jennifer Aniston has kept a diary throughout her marriage and later outright dumping by husband Brad Pitt. She plans to publish the diary later in the year. An advanced copy has been leaked to Celebrity Jihad. Though we had trouble cracking the little heart lock that held the book together, we've reprinted the first few pages below.
Dear Diary,
Bradley has just signed on to star in an action adventure movie with Angelina Jolie. I'm so happy that we'll be even richer, but it's a little odd because he said that after Ocean's 11 he was going the serious actor route. No more action or adventure. Pure Shakesbeer, he said. Then he said he hopes to have a baby when the movie's finished! I'm so going off the pill!

Dear Diary,
After I told Courtney about Brad's new movie, she slapped me really hard! On my face! And was like, 'what the fuck's wrong with you?' I was like, 'what the fuck's wrong with you?' I wanted to tell her that she's just bitter because after she had that little brat, she'll never be the skinniest girl on Friends again. But she's my BFF and I can only think that. Anyways, I never found out what her fucking problem was because Lisa came by and we had to pretend we weren't really all that close because Lisa always feels left out because she's fat. And not pretty.

Dear Diary,
Bradley came home today after his first day of filming with Angelina. He was all going off about Iraq and Haiti and some other places I'd never heard of. I was like, "hey honey, I went off the pill. And I just spent like 10,000 dollars on clothes at Kitson. I think some of it was sewn by little kids in the coutries you were talking about." He totally stared at me like he was about to rip my clothes off and start making babies right there. But then he said he was a little tired and he went to bed. I heard him later sobbing. It's totally because he loves me because I support little kids in poor nations.

Dear Diary,
Today I lost another ounce! I'm so awesome!

Dear Diary,
OMG! I just got my hair highlighted. It's totally perfect. Like me!

Dear Diary,
Bradley told me today he wanted to talk to me about something, and so I was all, okay honey. And then he said something, but I wasn't paying attention because I was so watching the season finale of Newlyweds. That Nick is so hot. He totally takes out the trash. When Bradley was done talking, I was all, "Bradley, can you like take out the trash? I mean you're such a girl!" I totally wear the pants around here!

Dear Diary,
Bradley wants to take me on vacation. To Antiguilla. We're going to bring Court and that douchebag David. It's baby-making time! I'm feeling so fertile. Like a big old baby making machine. We are going to have the prettiest Aryan baby! Because we're the prettiest Aryans!

Thursday, January 26, 2006

 

Benicio Del Toro: I Want My Face On T-Shirts

Today Benicio Del Toro held a press conference to discuss his new fashion statement. The actor said, "No one pays any attention to me anymore. I mean, I'm just as good as Antonio Banderas. And I have a way better accent. So yesterday I was like, how come no one loves me anymore? How come no one waits outside my house to take pictures of me? And I realized it was because I didn't have any funny t-shirts of my face. No Team Del Toro! No Random Latin Actors Do It Better! So I saw this guy's picture on a bunch of shirts and thought he looked a little like me. So I grew a beard! And now everyone wants a piece of this!"
He then raised his fist and said "Aye Caramba!"

 

Tara Reid to Pen "Two Million Little Pieces"

In the literary tradition of Nicole Richie (Truth About Diamonds) and Paris Hilton (I Like Cocks In My Mouth) Tara Reid has decided to write a memoir. Reid said today, "Now that I've cleaned myself up a bit, I thought I'd write a book. It will be a memoir. About addiction. And drugs. And starting riots in jail cells. And you know it will be all true because you've seen the pictures." James Frey is set to blurb the book and add an additional 18 pages which will contain some 'unauthorized' tidbits about Miss Reid's life. Oprah has yet to endorce or retract her endorcement of the upcoming memoir.

 

President Bush: I'm Amerikkka's Most Wanted

Today Bush announced that no law was necessary to allow him to spy on American citizens. He said in a press conference, "My concern has always been that in an attempt to try to pass a law on something that's already legal, we'll show the enemy what we're doing." He went on to say, "I've been in legal council with my main man Fiddy Cent, and he told me that not only am I a P-I-M-P but that I'm the motherfucking President and that I set the motherfucking precedent. I'm like Ice Cube. I'm like James Frey. I'm an outlaw, baby. I ain't need no approval for my shit." He then threw air punches at the cameras. He had brass knuckles on the left hand encrusted with diamonds that read THUG and on the right LIFE. He ended the press conference by crossing his arms and shouting "yeah boy."

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

 

Janet Jackson Celebrity Intervention


Janet, I saw you in concert once. It was that tour where you picked a guy from the audience and strapped him into a contraption you found at Tommy Lee and Pamela's garage sale. You then dry humped that guy. I saw that concert with my exhusband and we were seriously on our way to divorce. That concert...that moment with the guy in the Tommy Lee contraption and you dry humping him gave me hope for humanity. It gave me hope for my marriage. I believed I lived in a better world. Then we reelected George Bush, and my husband started screwing the neighbor. Janet, perhaps if you return to your former glory, we will unelected President Bush. I'd still be divorced because I'm better off, but maybe I will have never been married in the first place. Please Janet, give it a try. I want you to be Miss Nasty again. Do it for the children.

 

Celebrity Jihad Interventions



Here at Celebrity Jihad, we have decided to take a page from Angelina Jolie's book and help those less fortunate. We believe that some celebrities might be going blind. Or at least having some sort of amnesia. So to jog Miss Spears's memory, here is a recent photo of her. And a photo of her in her former glory. Help me help you, Brit. Help me help you.

 

Rummy 'Let's Rumble' Rumsfeld Says Troop Levels 'Rock' and that Troops Themselves Are 'Totally Stoked'

Today Donald Rumsfeld disputed two reports that claim US forces are thinning and strained to the breaking point. The reports cite many indications of emotional strain for troops including a spike in military divorces. They also point out the recruiting deficit. This year the Army fell 6,667 troops short and the Army Reserve missed its goal by 4,626 soldiers.
Despite never reading the reports, Rumsfeld said the reports were wrong the Army had in fact met its goals. He continued, "In Iraq the troops have new mink-lined marching boots. They get massages from 14 year-old Iraqi girls each morning and eat filet mignon for dinner each night. The Iraqis themselves bring pure gold nuggets to our soldiers and often I see Iraqis and US troops dancing around a Maypole just because. We're turning 18 year old boys away because they've heard that we offer free surf lessons and all the XBOX they can play upon deployment. It's really swell!"
After the press conference, Rumsfeld skipped out of the room wearing a pink tu-tu while trilling, "Lah-dee-dah-dee-dah!"

 

Bush Administration Declines Just About Everything

Today Bush Administration officials declined handing over documents relating to federal response to Hurricane Katrina and declined halting domestic spying. In a press conference, President Bush said, "Let me think about it...no. No, no and no. And guess what? No. Hey, ask me again. No. Uhhh...no. En espanol? No. En Francaise? Non. No and no some more. No."

 

Mensa Meets at Sundance

Mensa held their annual meeting at the Sundace festival this week. Key note speakers Bai Ling and Paris Hilton held lectures on topics ranging from "Balls of String: Hours of Harmless Fun and Useful Sex Toys" and "Shiny Shiny Shiny, That Bottlecap Sure is Shiny." The two were seen later in the day peeling Elmer's glue off their palms and making piggy noises while pulling down their eyelids with their pinkies inserted in their nostrils.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

 

Britney Spears Turning Into a Man, Baby

According to Tranniesrus.com, the international website for the transexual community, Britney Spears has been chosen as this year's "Miss Trannie America."
According to Lola Von Doll, President and webmaster of Tranniesrus.com, "You can always tell a MTF by the forehead and the hands. Well, in recent pictures, Brit's hands have been in fists, but you can't miss that forhead and nose. That she's a he! She's done such an amazing job of hiding it. We're just proud we can count her in. I think next year we'll be adding Nicolette Sheridan to our growing list."
Miss Spears was nominated by a showing of several snaps in a circle.

 

Canada French for Copycat

In a geopolitical game of 'Monkey See Monkey Do' Canada elected a conservative Prime Minister Stephen Harper today. Jacques Telling, Head of the House of Commons said, "We saw how after George Bush became president America's economy tanked, environmental concerns took a backseat to corporate greed, untold billions of dollars and thousands of American lives were spent on an unjustifyable war, civil liberties were eroded and Canadians said, 'hey, I want that for myself.'"
In an interesting parallel to US elections, polls showed the liberal Prime Minister candidate winning until late in the night. At approximately 3 am, hundreds of white trucks with the US presidential seal were seen crossing the border. The trucks held abacusses with severed baby hands tied to them and notes about pollworkers families and 'hanging chads.'
President Bush said today about the Canadian elections, "You're my bitch now, Harper." He then grabbed his crotch and thrust it at the cameras.

Monday, January 23, 2006

 

Lawmakers Begin Setting New Mine Safety Guidelines


Today lawmakers began to set new safety standards for US mines. Dick Cheney addressed the opposition by repeating very slowly, "You may think this is too little too late, but it is not." He repeated the sentence over and over for well over an hour, while strobe lights flashed and 'Flight of the Bumble Bee' played. FoxNews channel ran the audio with a black and white spiral spinning endlessly.
Meanwhile President Bush went over to Google President Sergey Brin's house with a chef's knife. He pointed it at Mr. Brin's private area and grunted, "Gimme all the IP addresses for anyone searching for dirt, ground, mines, gold, boogers, neighbors having sex, recipes for chicken Kiev, knit socks, REALdoll, Metallica downloads, and Dick Cheney. National Security and all that bullshit. Do it for the miners, motherfucker." When Mr. Brin refused this information, Bush announced from Airforce 1, "Anyone using google, thinking of google or using any words with the oo sound will be considered a terrorist. And a miner blower-upper. You're either with us or against us. Now kill the fucking A-rabs, homos and liberals." He then played air guitar while James Hetfield played "Master of Puppets."

 

Pro Life March on Washington Takes New Turn

Today pro-lifers marched on Washington to commemorate the anniversary of Roe V. Wade. Debbie Christianasshat, President of the Christians For Thumbs Up Our Asses, told the crowd, "Today we march to celebrate free babysitting, free college tuition and free health care for all women. We Christians are actually going to walk the walk and donate every penny of our incomes to those less fortunate. We are going to actually travel to the inner cities and help poor people find better jobs. We are going to open our perfect middle class homes to any child at all who needs a family. Who needs parents not addicted to drugs. Come to my house! Teen mothers addicted to heroin, sleep in my bed! Girls raped by their daddies, let me make you a cup of chamomile tea! Bring your unwanted children! We have homes to shelter them all!"
President Bush voiced his support by phone which was amplified for the crowd, though after Miss Christianasshat's speech, he was overheard on a call to Karl Rove asking if he too would be required to open the White House to any child in need of a safe home and a good education. Bush said, "I checked my bible, Rove. It said nothing in there about helping poor kids. I mean I saw a lot about bombing the shit out of any and all A-Rabs, but nothing about letting poor people touch my stuff."
Miss Christianasshat was seen later in a daisy chain with Dick Cheney, Tom DeLay and Tom Cruise.

 

James Frey Comes Under More Scrutiny

Amid disputes from addiction therapists today over James Frey's memoir, A Million Little Pieces, junkies themselves have come out to discredit even more of Frey's 'memoir.' The junkies gathered on the corners of major metropolitan cities trading in their "Anything helps, even a smile" cardboard signs for new slogans. Among them, "James Frey--You can suck my glass dick" and "Hey Oprah, I sold my daugher into white slavery for one last hit, now put your sticker on my book and make me rich."
Thomas Jones Esq., head of the newly formed 'James Frey never cut baking soda with bleach just for a bump' club held an interview from a cardboard box in front of an abandoned business. In his interview he said, "I really regret Mr. Frey's dissembling of his life. The experiences of a junky are at once compelling and convoluted. Junkies wake each day with the hope that your world will finally accept ours. It is extremely disappointing that a memoir we in the junky community were celebrating, turns out to be nothing but lies."
Mr. Frey has so far refused to comment. Oprah, however is touring the affected junky areas trying to find the right combination of whore, incest survivor and personal finance guru to feature in an Oxygen network movie. Yesterday she believed she had found that person, only to discover it was JT LeRoy. Her search continues.

Sunday, January 22, 2006

 

Jennifer Aniston Blogs from Sundance

Today on her myspace profile, Jennifer Aniston blogged from Sundance.

Hey Girlz!

It's me Jenny from the block comin' atcha from the snowy city! That's right, I'm in Utah! With Robert Redford! He was the Brad Pitt of his generation! But he didn't get some slutty bitch ho-face knocked up so he's like the better Brad Pitt of his generation! Here's a pic of me with my new BFF's! Turns out that it's true that hanging out with a bunch of ugly girls make you look prettier! Anyhoo these girls are my best pals and they star with me in my new movie--Friends The Movie. Or Friends Part Two. Or Friends The Two Hour Special. Or whatever the hell it's called. But they're seriously my best gal pals! I love them! Anyhoo, I gotta jet soon! I'm going skiing! With my Cambodian orphan that I've adopted just to wax my skis! Ha-Ha! LOL! I'd never let a brown person touch my skis--except Ross from Friends! No, I'm going to go skiing because I'm not knocked up and I can! I'm also going to dye my hair and drink a Margarita! And then I'm going to make some snow angels with Vince and then laugh really hard when he makes yellow snow! Have fun in whatever crap hole place you're reading this from! Peace!

XXXOOOOO,
Longer Letter Later,
See you next year,
Jen

Friday, January 20, 2006

 

Paris Hilton Announces Regrets

Today Paris Hilton's publicist read a brief press release titled, "Paris Hilton: Regrets. I've had a few." The text is reprinted below.

My Regrets
by Miss Paris Hilton

1) Spitting when I was paid to swallow.
2) Passing the dochie on the right hand side.
3) So-called Virginity Pledge.
4) Voting for Nader. Both times.
5) That french fry that Nicole dared me to eat.
6) Holding Nicki down while I dangled a spit glob centimeters over her face.
7) Standing on my gramma's dining room table over Christmas and showing them my interpretation of the bootie dance. When I'd *oops!* forgotten my panties.
8) Believing LiLo when she told me that I looked perfectly sober.
9) Telling people I read Anna Karenina all the way through when I just got halfway.

 

Bush Administration Offers Legal Justification for Domestic Spying

Today the Bush Administration offered a brief Power Point presentation explaining their legal right to spy on American citizens. The presentation consisted of Vice President Cheney standing next to the projector with arms crossed and clicking through four slides. They read:
"What's.
My.
Name.
Bitches."
When the lights went up, Condi Rice, Alberto Gonzalez and President Bush stood up and chanted "Papa Cheney! Papa Cheney! Papa Cheney!"

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

 

Brad Pitt--A Little Melancholy



Brad Pitt was a little bummed yesterday after a dinner with Matt Damon and Robert DeNiro. Pitt said, "I just never realized that Jason Bourne wasn't a real guy. I mean I thought he looked a little like the guy from The Talented Mr. Ripley, but Jason Bourne had such gravitas, such humanity. I really felt better about the world when I believed men like Jason Bourne existed. I admired how loyal he was to his girlfriend, and when he set out to avenge her death in the second movie. I really felt that. I would totally avenge Angelina's death if it came to that. In fact, I tried out those moves with the pen and the rolled up magazine after I read Jen's interview in Vanity Fair a few months back."
Pitt later asked girlfriend Angelina Jolie, "Do you think Matt would mind if I called him Jason, I mean just when we're alone?"

 

Details of Bush Administration Meetings With Abramoff Leaked to Celebrity Jihad

Despite dozens of requests from the press and from Democrats, the Bush Administration has refused to release details of meetings with Jack Abramoff, until now. A high ranking Washington staffer revealed transcripts to Celebrity Jihad.

The scene: President Bush pours tea and offers two lumps of sugar to Mr. Abramoff.
Bush: I'm looking for a twelve piece set. One that can hold Thanksgiving leftovers and dessert too.
Abramoff (sipping tea, crossing legs): Dishwasher safe, I assume.
Bush: Well that goes without saying.
Abramoff: Colored or clear?
Bush: Clear. We need to see what's inside.
Abramoff: Microwavable?
Bush: I'd prefer that, but there's something about putting plastic in the microwave that gives me the skeevies.
Abramoff: It's been tested. No brain tumors from these goods.
Bush: Still...
Abramoff: Here's what I can offer you: A twelve piece set, the largest container will hold your whole turkey carcass, the smallest container--the pinkie of that Iraqi boy Rummy's been babysitting. All dishwasher safe, and ready to microwave. Are you in?
Bush: Let me check with Papa Cheney.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

 

Eva Longoria Elevates Feminist Discourse

In an interview with MS. Magazine Eva Longoria addressed the adversity facing today's women.
Longoria: "I went to my waxer and said, 'Marco, I feel there is an undoing of women's rights and there are not enough people concerned about women's reproductive freedom, equal pay for equal work or the underfunded medical research in women's medicine. We must start taking a stand for our daughters' generation. Our sons need to grow up in a culture where women are valued. I feel such frustration, such helplessness because of what I see as the lack of interest in world issues in today's young. Starting right now, I am taking a stand. Marco, pour hot wax on my labia and rip every last hair out. Take that religious right!"
Later in the interview Lorgoria reported that her Brazilian wax not only affirms her membership in third wave feminisim, but also leads to a great orgasm.

 

Trent Lott Seeks Fourth Term--Must Rebuild Beachside House

Trent Lott announced today that he would seek a fourth sentate term. In his press conference Lott said, "I've chosen Mississippi and America once again. We must rebuild after Katrina. We must rebuild my six bedroom colonial that crappy storm tore down. And I will hire nothing but poor minorities to do the backbreaking work to lift my mansion back to its former glory. Minimum wage for all!"
When asked by reporters if he was concerned at all about the upcoming indictments related to the Jack Abramoff scandal, Lott straightened his tie, rubbed his left thumb across his nose, patted his right elbow and responded with an engimatic, "Abramoff who?"
In a nonrelated story, while on the phone with Mr. Abramoff from his jail cell, Mrs. Abramoff reported her husband being called Lucky McLeftnut by fellow inmates.

Monday, January 16, 2006

 

White House Honors Doctor King With A Song

Today at the White House, President Bush celebrated Martin Luther King's birthday by having the Emancipation Proclamation explained to him.
Bush nodded and looked thoughtful throughout the history lesson. "So where does it say we gave the Indians some beads and the small pox in exchange for Louisiana?" he asked.
He then turned to the crowd, began clapping his hands and performing the 'bootie dance' while repeatedly chanting, "E-Man-Si-Pay-Shun Pro-Cla-May-Shun."

 

Governor Schwarzenegger Celebrates Martin Luther King Day By Not Killing a Black Person

Today Governor Schwarzenegger denied clemency to 76 year-old death row inmate Clarence Ray Allen who is set to be executed early Tuesday morning.
Schwarzenegger said in a press conference today, "Well, if Mr. Allen were black, I think I would have spared his life, just for today. I don't want Doctor King looking down on me from heaven and telling God that I killed a black man on Doctor King's birthday. But because Allen is white, I figured, what the heck! You know, there are so many black guys on death row, it was just the luck of the draw that tomorrow's execution features a white guy. It's too bad Tookie's big day didn't come a little later."
In a cruel twist of fate, Allen, who is legally blind and confined to a wheelchair, was ressustated after his heart stopped in September.

 

Hollywood Celebrates Martin Luther King Day

Today celebrities are celebrating Martin Luther King Day by celebrating themselves at the Golden Globes Awards. Marcia Cross of Desperate Housewives said as she walked down the red carpet, "I just really feel honored to share this day with Martin Luther King. I think all of us here tonight share a common goal with Mr. King. He was famous. We are famous. He fought for the rights of poor people and minorities and I pay my gardener a dollar more than minimum wage and I wouldn't dream of reporting him to the INS. If Doctor King were alive today I'd nominate him for a Cecil B. DeMille Award for that great speech he gave about sleeping and how important a goodnight's rest is. Here's to you Mr. King and the rest of the grape pickers of the United States!"
John Turlock, creator of the Golden Globes, said in a press release, "The Golden Globes are taking a page from Dr. King's book and honoring minorities by only awarding statues to homosexual actors, or actors playing homosexuals in movies. Thank god for Capote and Brokeback Mountain."
Melissa Ethridge and Lucy Lui will close the show with a cover of the classic Disney movie song, "We Are Siamese If You Please" from Lady and the Tramp.

 

New York Times Admits Nothing of Importance Going on in World

Yesterday's New York Times featured a story on music producer Scott Storch. According to the Times, Mr. Storch is both white and Jewish. Arthur Sulzberger, the owner of the Times, said, "We really felt that we needed to break the story of a white, rich, Jewish boy and his career as a rap music producer. It's a really pressing issue in today's world, especially with the war in Iraq and President Bush spying on American citizens. The Times felt Mr. Storch's story was key to helping our readers contextualize the world in which we live."

 

Kathy Hilton Disappointed in Daughters' Lack of "Skills to Pay the Bills"

Last night Kathy Hilton took daughters Nicki and Paris out for lessons on shaking their money makers in the hopes that the Hilton daughters would start pulling their own weight.
Hilton said in a question and answer period after the bar closed, "I was really horrified by Paris's sex tape. I mean, she was sucking that backstreet boy's dick for free! And last week Nicki told me she buys her own blow. Everyone knows easy girls don't pay for drugs! I really had to question myself as a parent and the values I'd passed onto my girls. I mean Paris doing it doggie-style with a guy who had less money than she has? I just thank god she's hooking up with that rich Starvarmos Niccholamos. As for Nicki, well she's just not as pretty or slutty as Paris so I suppose she'll keep riding my gravy train. I guess I'll just have to put up with it."

Sunday, January 15, 2006

 

Angelina Tires of Always Looking Great

After landing her private jet in the United States following her much publicized UN goodwill trip to war-torn Haiti with boyfriend and "Sexiest Man Alive" Brad Pitt, the academy award nominated actress decided to see how the other 99.9% of the population lives.
"You know, it's tough being so beautiful all the time, so today I thought I'd wear jeans under my dress. I wanted to experience being lumpy, uncomfortable and a little too warm. I think tomorrow I'll try wearing Ugg boots and a pink velour warm up suit."
In other news, Jennifer Aniston was seen on a Los Angeles freeway overpass hold a sign reading, "I totally wore jeans under my dress first."

Saturday, January 14, 2006

 

Jennifer Aniston Develops Interest in Global Politics

It seems that pregnant Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt's trip to Haiti has had the desired effect of getting more celebrities interested in the war torn nation.
Today, Jennifer Aniston wrote an open letter to President Bush.
Dear George,
I was hoping that you might take an interest, as I have, in Haiti. After doing a little research, I discovered those Caribbean Commies hate freedom, democracy and born again Christians. And that the Haitians have some weapons of mass destruction pointed at right at Crawford, Texas. I really think you should bomb the fuck out of those motherfucking motherfuckers. Right now.

Hope we have more classes together next year,
BFFs,
Longer Letter Later,
Sorry So Short,
XXXXOOOOO,
Jen

P.S. I hear Osama Bin Laden might be shooting a movie down in that tropical pit of hell.

 

Despite Immobilzing Stroke, Ariel Sharon Just Can't Let Go of a Grudge

According to the New York Times article titled, Sharon Stays Unconscious and Critical, Prime Minister Sharon had some choice words for Pakistan. Sharon said from his hospital bed, "I just think the Pakis are pushy and impatient. They dress funny and their food tastes like crap. They're egomaniacs. I know I'm being judgemental, but that's me. I just notice people's flaws."
Pakistan's President Pervez Musharraf released this comment in a press release after the article was published: "We are sorry about Mr. Sharon's medical condition, but illness is no reason to insult people's clothes or food. We don't want to wait any longer for that man to show us the respect we deserve. We're a real nation, dammit!"

Friday, January 13, 2006

 

Whitney Houston Admits She "Might be Past My Prime"

Today in an interview with Mtv's Kurt Loder, Whitney Houston admitted that her career has hit a slowing point. Ms. Houston said, "I admit that the other day when I was photographed at a Circle K in Stockton wearing a fur and a wig I picked up at the Salvation Army might not have been en par with my performance in 'The Bodyguard.' Perhaps my voice, my career and my looks have suffered from the last few years I've spent curled up in a corner with my crack pipe while Bobby beat me with a shoe he found in the gutter. I think I might not be on top of my game, but Kurt, I can come back. I will come back."
Ms. Houston followed the interview with ballad rendition of Prodigy's 'Smack My Bitch Up' to which she dedicated to her "loving husband Bah-Boo."

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

 

James Frey Scandal Widens

In a shocking addition to James Frey's literary troubles, Mr. Frey is being accused of plagiarism as well as lying. The quote from Mr. Frey's website ("Let the haters hate. Let the doubters doubt") was in fact a line from Kevin Federline's new release, PopoZao.
Mr. Federline was quoted today as saying, "I find it disheartening that Mr. Frey would plagiarize my work. He is an artist, as am I. Our culture today devalues the written word. I am saddened that a fellow scribe would choose to encourage this trend with intellectual theft."
Mr. Frey declined to comment.

 

Angelina Jolie is Pregnant

And in other news Jennifer Aniston hangs herself.
Today Jolie commented on Jennifer Aniston's dramatic step.
Jolie: As a UN goodwill ambassador I am bound by an oath to the world to do everything in my power to eliminate hunger and strife in the world. Miss Aniston's hanging satisfies my charter. She was both starving herself resulting in a deep hunger and her movies are simply painful to watch. I believe the world is a better place now. And in a few short months I will give birth to the most beautiful baby known to human kind.
Aniston's publicist reported that Aniston's last words were, "dear God, why? Why?"

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

 

Governor Schwarzenegger Admits "Motorcycle Accident" was a Hoax

Today Arnold Schwarzenegger held a press conference announcing he had lied about a cut and stitches to he upper lip.
"I admeet. I am a li-ar. I did not get thees cut from a motorcycle. I am actually a gurlee-man."
Schwarzenegger admitted that his injuries were the result of a fight with a man named Miguel.
"He said I should fuck myself for my racist immigration policy. I told Miguel I had one question. My question to Miguel was, why don't blacks and Mexicans get married? He did not like my question and he punched me."
Later in the day, President Bush came out in support of Governor Schwarzenegger's admission.
Bush said, "While I try to limit my racism to A-rabs, I can see the Governor's point. Blacks and Mexicans cannot get married because, it's true, their kids will be too lazy to steal."

 

Oprah Chooses Bukowski's Entire Oeuvre for Book Club

After former bookclub author James Frey turned out to be a big liar, Oprah Winfrey chose Charles Bukowski as her newest book club author. Winfrey explained her decision on her blog this afternoon:
Well, I've made some mistakes with my bookclub. There was that first SNAFU with that little prick Jonathan Franzen. And then it turned out Wally Lamb really was a guy. A very effeminate guy, but a guy none the less. And now James Frey isn't the hardened street punk his memoirs promises.
I know middle class white women relate to drug addicts and criminals. My audience wants to escape their perfectly vacuumed carpets and two-car garages and travel to a world of whores and crack. And I need an author who won't care if I put my name on his book. Charles Bukowski is dead and won't mind a harmless little Oprah sticker on his book, and he's got major street cred, so he was the logical choice. I know middle America will love his womanizing and have an Ah! moment each time the narrator experiences the D.T.'s.
Enjoy this month's pick,
Oprah

Monday, January 09, 2006

 

Brad Pitt Decides to Give Other Guys a Break

Today Brad Pitt announced that "it isn't fair to the rest of the male population that I hog all the hotness."
After fixing the plane Mr. Pitt is learning to fly, Pitt will retire his fast motorcycle, stop reading books, stop picking the kids up from school, turn off his vibrating tongue and begin washing his face with a belt sander.
"You know, I've really been unfair to the rest of the world. I have Ange now, and that's enough for me. I don't need to be mechanically adept, talented, well-dressed, considerate, intelligent and beautiful. I'm going to spread the love a little."
Pitt was seen later in the day buying smokes at the sevey and wearing white socks with flip flops and extra baggy shorts. He also had his Ferrari towed to the dealership to have PopoPitt stenciled on the brake shoes.

 

Samuel Alito Begins Supreme Court Hearings

Today in Washington, Samuel Alito began his senate hearings, answering questions about his qualifications to be an impartial judge holding up the laws of this country. In a refreshing moment of candor, Alito said, "I hate bitches, blacks and homos. The whole country is turning into a commie infested pagan orgy and I'm the tough ass mofo to take care of these hooligans."
The senators applauded and President Bush strode out onto the floor with an armful of roses to present to Mr. Alito.
According to a Washington insider, "Alito's comments, while unusual, have solidified his election to lifetime Supreme Court judge."

Sunday, January 08, 2006

 

Mischa Barton Bucks Celebrity Breeding Trend



In a shocking move today, Mischa Barton aschewed the celebrity baby boom and menstruated. Barton, known as a trend setter with her hideous attire and skeletal frame said today, "you know, I just think bumps and babies are over. I'm all about bleeding each month." To prove her dedication to this new trend, she wore white pants and no underwear to advertise her commitment.
In a related story, Tampax President Mary Ames said, "I have no idea who Mischa Barton is, or what she's famous for, but I'd like to get her a sample of our product, STAT."

 

In Other Delay News

Tara Reid held a press conference today pleading with Tom Delay to seek help.

Reid: "Mr. Delay, I see from the broken blood vessels on your nose, that you might have a problem with alcohol. Alcohol abuse is disease, Tom, but there is help. Rest assured that many with your problem have had a successful recovery and have gone on to lead rewarding lives. The first step is admitting you have a problem. And judging by recent photographs, you have one hell of a problem. There's an AA meeting near you. Find it."

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