Thursday, May 18, 2006

 

Celebrity Jihad to Brit: We've been there.

Hey Brit,
I see from your expression you're a little over it all, and believe me I hear that. Having a baby takes a lot out of you. I know I haven't gotten my hair colored in months. And sometimes I too forget to remove the choke chain my man makes me wear around the house, but you know what I always manage to do despite not having a nanny and millions of dollars, I always manage to leave the house in a bra. Now, your nipple pointing straight down leads me to believe this might not be the first time you walked out the door without your boulder-holder, but please girl, hoist those puppies up. Right now their drawing too much attention to the dirty pantcuffs you refuse to have hemmed.

Take good care,
Your Fellow Mommy of an Eight-Month Old

 

Brandon Davis: Great Thinker of the Next Generation

By now many of you have watched the video of Brandon Davis describing Lindsay Lohan as a "fire crotch." We at Celebrity Jihad have watched this video very carefully, and it turns out that there is some hidden footage at the end. We've transcribed the rest of the video below.
"Paris and I were discussing the implications of a war with Iran, and have agreed with Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, that in fact the western world needs Iran more than Iran needs us -- especially with the nearly insatiable oil appetite of India and China. It's a scary world we live in right now and I hope our President understands this situation. We must, I repeat, must get off foriegn oil. I plan to take immediate action, use my billions to create renewable energy and to give portions of my estate to local people who can use it to grow their own organic crops."

 

Gen. Hayden: First Senate Hearings, then US Magazine

General Hayden paused for photographers today as he exited the Coffee Bean and Tea leaf on Mulhullond today. He said to the gathered paparazzi, "Despite the photographic evidence, I've never met Paris Hilton. I have nothing but good things to say about Lindsay Lohan and Fez is a hottie."
He was later seen at Butter nightclub doing lines off the back of the toilet seat and waving his hands in the air like he just didn't care.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

 

Aaaah-roooo-gah!

Today Hamas announced a new PR campain aimed at female faux celebrity bloggers. Ahmed Zalehed of Hamas said in a press release, "What we'd thought we'd do is take pictures of the hottest Palestinians on the West Bank holding the biggest guns. We'll post them on the New York Times and with any luck our Hot Men of Hamas will sway American voters through the magic of blogs. We really need to get those white liberal American women on our side. Next year, I'm thinking calendar and a little video I call, 'The Men of Hamas Go Wild'."

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

 

George Bush to Hugo Chavez : Take That!

Today President Bush put the smack down on arms sales to Venezuela claiming the Latin American country had failed to cooperate in the fight against terrorism.
Bush said today, "What I mean by fight against terrorism is they won't let US companies pump the shit out of their oil. I mean, it's totally lame that they won't let us profit off their resources. What nazi-commie-terrorist fuckers."
Hugo Chavez said in a comment, "I'm shaking in my boots."
The US will continue to import oil from Venezuela's state-owned resources. As will the rest of the world.

 

George Bush *hearts* the MINI page

Facing dismal approval ratings, and outrage over illegal domestic spying, President Bush pulled a skillful bait and switch on the American public today.

When addressing the press about the NSA issue, President Bush said,
"We got accused of not connecting the dots prior to Sept. 11. We're (now) going to connect the dots." Stunned Americans paused, smiled and nodded at many memories of Sunday mornings trying to find MINI written in the drawing and jokes that seemed funny at first, but upon later reflection were veiled references to endtimes and the holy spirit. Bush later had the journalists in stiches when he said "I don't know," then pushed Papa Cheney under the sudden waterfall of green slime.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

 

Alyssa Milano to Nicole Richie: Back your shit up

Alyssa Milano surprised Oscar party guests by 1) showing up to a celebrity event where there were actual celebrities, and not former Tony Danza sperm containers who like to pretend they are celebrities and 2) telling Nicole Richie, "say my name, bitch." When Nicole refused, Ms. Milano wrestled her to the ground while grunting, "Who's the boss now, bitch, who's the boss now."

 

Wal*Mart Enlists the Help of Bloggers to Get Out Their Message

The New York Times is reporting that Wal*Mart is emailing bloggers pro-Wal*Mart news to include in their blogs. We here at Celebrity Jihad would like to be enlisted too. The Celebrity Jihad team believe minimum wage is a king's ransome, and that your checkers and greeters don't even deserve that. Fuck the liberal government for that shitty policy, it just hurts our favorite big corporate businesses. We'd also like to come out in favor of no health insurance for any employee. We think if someone gets sick, just fire their lazy asses and get some other low-skill worker to take their place. Frankly Wal*Mart are our heros for moving into lower-class communities, running small business out of the area, hiring everyone who used to work at the indie businesses, and never training them in a skill beyond the menial task they've been hired to do. We think it's great when whole communities become so poor they can't even afford the clothes on sale at Wal*Mart's fine establishments. We love cheap shit made in China. We also love bathing in the blood of eight-year old Chinese girls. We share that in common with Wal*Mart too.
Okay Wal*Mart bitches, that post was free, each post from here on out will cost you.

XO,
The Jihad

Monday, March 06, 2006

 

South Dakota Bans Abortion

Today Gov. Mike Rounds of South Dakota banned all abortions. Mr. Rounds said in a press conference, "Hear ye, hear ye. I dost ban abortions. I dost also ban the fairer sex driving horse and carriages. I hereby declare every Monday Lobodomy Day for all fair maidens. Ye olde chastity belts for all!"
Mr. Rounds was seen later in the day masturbating to One Night in Paris nodding as President Bush bombed a few more actual living and breathing Iraqi children. When Mr. Rounds demanded his food and ale from his barwench, he was disappointed to find that every last woman had left the state.

 

Celebrity Jihad Interventions: Jennifer Aniston


Hey Jen,

Wassup girl? It's been so long since we did keg stands and gave bj's to the whole frat house down the street. I just wanna say hon, that I forgive you for that time you borrowed my thong underwear and then hooked up with that guy I had said was hot, then you said, ewww gross, but then I found you dry humping him on that moldy old couch outside the co-op. I'm over it, no worries. But here's the deal, Jen, yes, your Oscar night dress is gorgeous, but the only way that dress saves your non-made-up face is when you pull your skirt up over your head as Vince collapses on top of you after one too many jack and cokes. Honey, let me be clear. Here's how the newer model takes the red carpet. Check out that picture of Ange. Let me say, that between the two, you must have a white stick with a red tip and white hot pokers in your ears to think you are looking hotter than Team Jolie. How about this, Jen, you either put some makeup on, or make the world a better place--see that homeless guy who was passed out where you're walking but had to be moved so you could roll up in your hybrid, well, grab the paper bag off that guy's bottle of OE and put it over your face. Do it for humanity.

Thursday, March 02, 2006

 

Fox News Broadcasts from the Happy Place

Today Fox News broadcasts from the Happy Place. The Happy Place is a very exclusive place where the bible is all true (except the part about helping others) and that Iraq is Arabic for Disneyland. Mr. Cavuto, anchor for Fox News, said today, "Last week, I brought my family to Iraq and we rode on the Materhorn. I was a little scared when that brown guy with the thing on his head roared at us as we sped by in the little car, but then my four-year-old assured me that he was just a fake brown man and no real brown men would actually come that close. Later we roasted hotdogs over the burning corpses outside of the local US-run prison. It was good times."

 

Alito's Letter to Dobson Called 'Just Thanks'

Today Justice Alito's spokesperson described a note from Mr. Alito to James Dobson, founder of Focus on the Family, as 'Just thanks.' Celebrity Jihad has obtained a copy of the letter and in the interest of the War on Terror, domestic syping, and the future elimination of anything gay including Abba, good haircuts, and soft hands on men, we are reprinting the letter.

Dear Dobbikins,

I just wanted to drop you a line letting you know that I really enjoyed our time last night. For once you let me be Heath and for that I will hold in my heart a million little blessings for the Lord. Lighting the bedroom with seven hundred seventy seven candles was such a lovely touch. And though I was a little confused when you poured Astroglide on my forehead, when you declared me a son of God, I really understood. I hope you liked the way I slowly, slowly unbuttoned your special cowpoke jeans. I knew you couldn't believe that I was able to get them off without disturbing your ass-less chaps. It's one of my many hidden talents I have yet to reveal to you, oh Dobbikins. You seemed to enjoy that special little flicker of my tongue that I have perfected over the years with President Bush. Did you like that moment when I went "old skool" and reminded you of the true definition of a hummer? That was a little hymn I remembered from my altar boy days. I just want to say, my love, that I know there is a lot more Christian cock I can suck, and my mouth is wide open. I look forward to a long future with you and the rest of the fine white, old, male specimens of the Religious Right. I just thank the Lord that I'm male and that I can't get knocked up like those whores who consider themselves the other half of the population. Such bitches! We'll get them, though Dobbikins. We will.
I love you fair, Dobby. I love you.
Your master, your servant.
Justypie Alito

 

Bush Lays the Smackdown on Mine Safety

Today the Bush administration offered what some Washington insiders call a 'pimp slap' to mine companies by not collecting and/or reducing the amount of money the companies had been fined in mine violations. Bush said today, "Here's what we did, we decided that instead of charging mine companies for their safety violations, what we'd do is cook them a filet mignon, hire some hookers, and let them sleep on Egyptian cotton sheets in the Lincoln bedroom as a punishment for endangering the lives of Americans. It seems only fair, you know? I mean that's what Papa Cheney forces those dirty Iraqis to do, and since I'm sleeping on silk sheets, I know that I'm still the big kahuna. Woof!"
A mine company spokesman was found crying in a corner after being forced to pick at a hangnail himself instead of having use of the official presidential golden fingernail clippers.

 

GM Releases New Car

Today GM released a new car. It was metal. It had some doors and four tires. There were windows involved. GM said in a press release, "Our new car is new and a car. And I believe if you look closely Lindsay Lohan is growing that downy fur so many anorexics have to battle. And those pesky scars that show up when you weigh ten pounds and five of those pounds come from your breasts. And then we released a new car."

Tuesday, February 28, 2006

 

Janice Dickinson: What's Wrong With America

Today intellectuals, up-tight former hippies, the religious right and that guy in the cubicle next to yours who rolls his eyes everytime you squeal when the new US weekly passes over your desk voted Janice Dickinson Queen of What's Wrong with America. Charles Peckton, Professor of Greek Thought and Captain of the What's Wrong With America Foundation said today, "Ms. Dickinson embodies everything that is wrong with this country--fake n' bake, chicken bone legs, a trust in the liberal media, and a big ass mouth. Not to mention the phrase we all use when a new picture of Ms. Dickinson is released--why in the hell is she famous?"
Other nominees included Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie, Condi Rice and Chad Paul Murray, or Paul Chad Murphy or Murray Chad Paulinsky or whatever the hell that guy's name is.

 

Britney Spears Injured in Freak Feather Boa Attack

In New Orleans Britney Spears was rushed to the hospital after her feather boa tried to strangle her. The singer said after the incident: "I'm so glad ya'll that I'm okay. Boy howdie those boas are dangerous! I tried to bite it back, but that sucker was fast-- all I got a mouth full of feathers! I'm just grateful to God, the Buddha and captain Kabbalah that I'm all right, y'all."
Her husband Kevin Ferderline was seen at the scene of the crime earlier with a remote control, a bear trap, superglue and red feathers. He declined to comment.

 

NIcole Richie: I have better shoes than Paris

As filming began on Simple Life season 1009, Nicole Richie and Paris Hilton began their own sort of socialite olympics. The girls engaged in a Blow-A-Thon where Ms. Richie snorted 80 grams of coke in one sitting, Ms. Hilton misunderstood the parameters of the competition and found herself on all fours in front of a line of American Idol wanna-bes. Later the two sat for three full days in front of a bowl of chocolate mousse, arms crossed, waiting for the other to take a bite. Ms. Richie won the competition in the final round, by opening a shoe box and revealing perhaps the cutest shoes to grace an anorexic's feet. She then ran across the street shouting, "I won! I won!" before passing out in a hyplogycemic coma.

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